Ups and Downs

We’ve been having a fair number of these recently. I put it down to my return to work a month ago, after the end of my 37-week parental leave.

Button had grown accustomed to having Mommy at home. Even when Mustang and he went off to school – initially – Mommy would pick him up from the school-bus and they would have the day together, with Mustang joining us when she got home in the afternoon. But after only two weeks of that – and with very little warning, suddenly Mommy isn’t there any more when he gets home. She’s still not there when Mustang gets home. She only gets home right at supper time, and then after supper it’s homework and chores and hardly any time for play before stories and bed.

I did try to prepare him by talking about what was going to happen, but it’s hard to do that when you’re not 100% sure what’s going to happen. In the sense that we were waiting for a Nanny to arrive from Hong Kong (Filipina), but didn’t know whether she’d arrive before I went back to work or a few weeks or months later. I’d arranged for the two kids to go to the after-school daycare in case she didn’t come before I went to work, but it ended up that she did here in time. But I had hardly any warning.

One Monday it was “her visa has been granted, she may arrive as soon as Sunday” and on Saturday it was “oh, yeah, she’s arriving late tomorrow and I (the agency person) will bring her to your place on Monday.” And then on the following Thursday, effectively a mere two days after Nanny arrived, I went back to work.

In addition, Laolao and Laoye arrived on the Wednesday of that week for a four-day stay, then flew to Europe on the Sunday after Nanny arrived. So we had an awful lot of changes and people in-and-out over that week.

So no wonder Button has been out of sorts. His world has changed – again – and though Mommy is still here, and around, and constant, she’s not there all the time the way he was used to. He wants me to stay home. I’d like to stay home. But there are these things called mortgages, and groceries, and taxes, and cars, and toys, and clothes, and lessons, and Halloween costumes, that all need something called money so we can have them. Drat it all anyhow. (Though, as I said to Mustang a day or two ago: If we didn’t have to work for things we probably wouldn’t value them as much…)

It’s been hard on me because I find Button’s way of expressing frustration/ anger/ whatever to be very frustrating to deal with, infuriating even. He goes off in a sulk. If I try to comfort him he pulls away. Anything I try to do to reach out to him is useless. He either screams bloody blue murder and throws things around, or turns into an unresponsive little lump. Or both in succession. About the only thing that works is distraction: Mustang and I get out stuffies and start to play around with them, or I haul out an interesting book and start reading.

I have begun really working on him to get him to (1) control his emotions and (2) communicate instead of just shutting down. Most any problem can be worked out if we can talk it through. It doesn’t have to be a major confrontation. (I’ve even told him that when he’s a teenager and grown-up, when he’s got a girlfriend or wife, he’s going to have to communicate with her! If he just keeps on shutting down and shutting people out, he’s going to have problems…)

Last week we had about six or seven sulky tantrums in as many days. It was exhausting. This week has been noticeably better. We’ve managed three days without a major blow-up, or really even a minor one. Either we’re all adjusting, or the few slight changes I’ve made have helped. (Or both.) What changes? I see the kids off to the bus in the morning, instead of leaving it to Nanny, and I’ve been phoning home most afternoons to chat a little bit with Button.

Then there’s Mustang. She’s actually been pretty steady, though she’s been having some grumps, too. Perhaps just because she’s been affected by Button’s grumps. Perhaps in part because she had to change classrooms at school at the beginning of October (more students than anticipated so they formed a new class with new teacher) and she misses the teacher she started out the year with. Perhaps the darkening days are a source of some disgruntlement (that could go for all of us).

I expect things will ease up a little bit again when Laolao and Laoye return next Tuesday. They’ll be here through Christmas – I hope we don’t have any major regression when they leave in January…

Anyhow, we had fun last night making some Halloween decorations, which the kids have been wanting to do. Nothing fancy, just some garbage-bag and tissue-paper ghosts, and a couple of yogurt-container witches. It was fun, though, and a creative outlet for all.